


For the love of God!

by halfeatenmoon



Category: Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu | The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
Genre: Coming Out, Fic Exchange, M/M, Unrequited Love, Woke Up Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-19
Updated: 2010-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-13 18:52:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/140540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfeatenmoon/pseuds/halfeatenmoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a relief when Kyon wakes up one morning to realise that he's finally over his unrequited crush on Haruhi.  Then he realises that he's only over her because he suddenly seems to be gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the love of God!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arboretum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arboretum/gifts).



One morning, towards the end of my first year at university, I woke up and realised that I was no longer in love with Haruhi Suzumiya.

I didn’t notice instantly, of course. It wasn’t the first thing I thought of when I woke up. As usual, my first thoughts were “It’s too early” and “Is there any coffee?” but by the time I’d thrown on some clothes, stepped out into the kitchen and started making breakfast, it was clear that something was different. Lately I had tended to spend my mornings miserable, often hungover, and not giving much though to anything but being angry at Haruhi. Taking care of myself would have gotten in the way of my self-pity. Right now, though, I was making a nutritional meal instead of having nothing but hot coffee until lunch. I was looking forward to the rest of my day. I was _humming_. For the first time in two months, since I’d finally asked Haruhi out only to discover that she was dating one of her tutors, I felt free.

“What are you doing up already?”

I turned to see Itsuki poking his head around the door to his bedroom, the only other room in the poky student apartment. I grinned when I saw that he was barefoot and still in his pyjamas – which only seemed to make him frown more.

“I’m making breakfast. Omelette with mushrooms, that’s your favourite, right?”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m just trying to be nice! And I thought you’d be pleased that I’m up. Did you like it better when I moped in bed all morning?”

“I just wanted to check.” He padded over the floor in his bare feet, to stand at my shoulder. “I’m glad to see you feeling better, I really am, just surprised at the sudden change. So... you’re starting to feel better about… _her?_ ”

“Haruhi,” I said. It felt strange for a moment, saying her name without it tasting bitter. I thought about her for a moment, like I was poking a bruise to see if it still hurts. “Suddenly, it’s hard to see what I’ve been so angry about. I’m not just a bit better, I’m _normal_.”

“I’m glad,” he said, bending his head slightly to peer over my shoulder at the cooking. “It makes me so happy to hear that, Kyon. It’s been awful to watch you going through so much pain. I’m just surprised at such a sudden change.”

Great. Now I felt guilty for being so self-centred. Suddenly it seemed silly that I’d been so upset about Haruhi dating someone else. It certainly wasn’t worth hurting Itsuki, as well. “I’m sorry for putting you through… well, everything about me for the last few months. I hope making you breakfast helps. It’s a start, anyway.”

“You made me coffee, too?”

He’d suddenly noticed the extra steaming mug on the counter. When I nodded, he picked it up and took a sip, and the happy sigh he made after he swallowed the first mouthful made me feel so warmed on the inside that it was as though I’d drunk the coffee myself.

“I don’t want to be insensitive,” he said, after enjoying his coffee for a moment, “But I must say, it almost seems as though this trial has improved you, Kyon. I’ve never known you to be more considerate.”

“I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“Is that so?” I heard the soft sound of the coffee mug being set down on the table, and then his hand was sliding around my waist. “Well, with Haruhi out of your mind, maybe you could spend a little more time with me.”

“Mmm, I hope I can do that, too.”

I could feel his breath on my ear, and even though I didn’t really need comforting any more, there was still something exceptionally _nice_ about having him so close. Before I knew it, I was leaning back, my shoulders resting lightly on his chest, and I couldn’t quite resist tipping my head back to lean on his shoulder. But Itsuki went quiet then, and I could feel him suddenly becoming tense.

“Kyon?”

I opened my eyes and realised that my cheek was brushing against Itsuki’s chin. There was only the smallest space between our mouths. All I had to do was angle my head slightly and I could kiss him. I could just turn and kiss that lovely smiling mouth of his and…

 _What?_

I froze, too, ignoring the breakfast that was starting to burn. I wasn’t supposed to kiss Itsuki. I definitely felt no attraction towards Itsuki. The idea was absurd. I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. Then why was it so hard to move away?

“Your... your face is too close.”

It seemed to take far too long to take a few stumbling steps away from him, and even then my body seemed to regret breaking the contact with his. I’d done it too late, too, and Itsuki was watching me with one of his poker faces. I couldn’t work out what he was thinking, but as we gazed at each other I was already caring less about that, and more about how I wanted to walk back over there and take his face in my hands and...

The only course of action I could think of was to leave the apartment as quickly as possible, and try to think over what had just happened as I walked to the university for my morning classes.

I was no longer in love with Haruhi Suzumiya. That much was clear. But it seems that my sudden change was not simply a matter of my unrequited attraction to one specific classmate diminishing. My feelings of sexual attraction seem to have been redirected towards Itsuki. Even as I thought his name, I started to feel a sense of longing towards him. To Itsuki! It was preposterous. This could only be Haruhi’s doing. Couldn’t she do anything right?

When I woke up this morning, I thought I had finally recovered from the lonely and miserable state of unrequited obsession that had trapped me for months on end. Only half an hour later, I’m confused, I’m stuck out in the cold weather far too early in the morning, and I don’t know what to do about it. And despite never having had any inclination towards members of my own sex before, I seem to be gay.

And I still haven’t had any breakfast.

 

“Kyon,” Mikuru said, with wide eyes and a compassionate smile, “I’m surprised by this, too. I never thought you had any feelings for Itsuki. And I realise it must be a little scary when the 21st century is so… well, _backwards_ about sexuality. But you can trust me. You can trust _all_ your friends, we won’t judge you.” She placed her hand gently over mine. “You don’t need an excuse like ‘Haruhi made me gay’ for us to love you.”

The most logical first step was to meet Mikuru for coffee, since she was the person who had been most willing to listen to my problems with Haruhi over the last few months. (And because I was hungry.) I realised now that as sympathetic as Mikuru was to my longing for Haruhi, she may not have been the best person to talk to about my theory that Haruhi made me gay.

When Mikuru went off to university a year ahead of the rest of us, she hadn’t been the least bit confused or upset to find herself falling in love with a woman. As she explained to Nagato, Itsuki and I, in the time frame that she came from, being queer was so acceptable that it was unremarkable; to her, dating Tsuruya was no different to being with a man. What she wasn’t prepared for was the negative reaction that other people had towards their relationship, especially the response from Tsuruya’s family when the couple came home at the end of semester. When the rest of the SOS Brigade first entered university and looked to Mikuru to show us around, we were a little surprised to find that she’d become an enthusiastic member of the gay rights group on campus.

I never thought much of it before, but this conversation makes me wonder if she’s spending a bit too much time counselling first years who were coming to terms with their sexuality.

“You _are_ a first year coming to terms with your sexuality,” she pointed out.

“Yes, but I’m different.” Her sympathetic smile was starting to annoy me. “I’m not _really_ gay, it’s just Haruhi messing around with my mind. Once I figure out _why_ she’s done it, we can fix things and she’ll change me back.”

She shook her head and sighed. “It’s _possible_ that this is just a brief crush. You’ve been interested in women in the past, so of course you could be again.” I decided not to mention that for the first time since we’d met, I felt no attraction to _her_. “Of course it’s confusing for you at this stage, and you don’t have to act on your feelings for Itsuki at all if you don’t want to. But it’s _okay_ , Kyon. It’s _normal_. You don’t need anyone to fix you.”

Rather than argue with her any further, I opted to ask her about Tsuruya and let her tell me about _her_ love life at great length while I finally got something to eat.

 

“Nagato, can I talk to you for a minute?”

She looked up at me, reluctantly, and then turned back to her book. “You look well.”

“Er… thank you. Um, I have a problem. Well, the first part is good, because I’m over... all that stuff about Haruhi. Only, I think it’s because of Haruhi that this has happened, because the way it happened doesn’t seem entirely natural. Um, how do I say this… she seems to have done it by making me gay.”

Nowadays, Nagato could almost always be found in the university’s library. At first I was surprised that she’d even enrolled in university with the rest of us, since she clearly knew so much already. At first, it seemed that she had simply gone along with the rest of us to keep an eye on Haruhi, as usual. But after she realised that the university library housed _billions_ of books that she hadn’t read yet, we barely even saw her.

Compared to the levels of excitement she usually expressed about the library, her reaction to my news was a little underwhelming.

“I see.”

She kept reading.

“Nagato?”

“…”

“Aren’t you going to do anything about it? You have to do something to change me back. You can’t just let Haruhi mess around with people’s sexuality when she feels like it. We have to stop this! I’m not supposed to be like this. It’s _wrong_.”

“Kyon.” She finally took her eyes off the book.

“Yes?”

“I understand that all of us wish to restrict the extent to which Suzumiya Haruhi utilizes her powers to alter the natural working of the world around us. However, I do not understand why you feel so much anxiety at this particular incident. There is practically no difference in the data makeup between heterosexual and homosexual humans, and the difference certainly doesn’t result in any kind of inferiority or disadvantage.”

“I think you’ll find Mikuru would disagree with you about the ‘disadvantage’ part. Quite loudly.”

“The disadvantage is specific to this time and place. It is the result of the reactions of other individuals influenced by their space-time context. It has nothing to do with the makeup of the homosexual individual.”

“Well. That’s… nice.” She was so frustrating! “But you can’t say it makes no difference to me! You just don’t understand because you don’t have relationships yourself. You don’t know how… confusing it is having something so vital to you change overnight! I don’t know who I am anymore!”

She gazed quietly out the window. “I’m sorry. I may not understand why your sexual orientation is so central to your sense of self, but… I do see how that must be confusing.”

It had been so many years that sometimes I forgot how much Nagato has changed, and how strange and unexpected, how deep, those changes in her had been. But at least if your changes were confusing, they are, I think, for the better. “You’re happier now, aren’t you, Nagato?”

“Difficult changes are not always for the worse.” She paused. “You look very well today.”

After I sort this out, I should try teaching Nagato about subtlety. “Yes, I see what you’re saying. You think I’m better off this way because I’m not sad about Haruhi anymore.”

She didn’t respond.

“Well, maybe I _am_ happier this way...” I stopped and swallowed, and tried not to think about it. “But I just don’t like things changing without my control! I’d at least like to have some choice in the matter. So I really need to figure out why Haruhi did this to me, so that I can understand what’s happened.”

“I’m sorry, but I have no way to assist with that. I observe changes in data, but my comprehension of the inner workings of Suzumiya Haruhi’s mind are insufficient to come to a conclusion about her motives.”

I should have known Nagato wouldn’t have a clue about Haruhi’s motivations – or those of any human. So I need someone who knows Haruhi, understands what she wants and the way she thinks, and also knows about her power to bend reality… “But that means the only person who can help me with this problem is Itsuki! I can’t talk to _him_ ”

Nagato blinked up at me, uncomprehending. “I don’t understand. Did you have some kind of disagreement?”

“Not exactly... I can’t talk to Itsuki because he’s the one I’ve become attracted to.”

“Does sexual attraction inhibit humans’ ability to speak and hold conversations?”

“Maybe not _inherently_ , but...”

“The appropriate course of action for you is to discuss Haruhi’s modifications to your personality with Itsuki.”

I sighed. “Are you _sure_ you can’t do anything to change me back to the way I was yesterday? The old, heterosexual Kyon?”

“I’m sorry, but rewriting that kind of data is simply impossible. My ability to alter data only extends to the physical world. I cannot do anything about the operational paramaters of a person’s mind.” She paused. “Except my own.”

I suppose there’s nothing for it then.

“I hope Itsuki can help. I’m sorry that I cannot be more helpful.” She turned a page. “Although if your homosexuality _is_ making it difficult to talk to Koizumi Itsuki, I could turn him into a woman.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Of course.” She fell silent again until she reached the end of a page. “I would never alter his body without first seeking his permission.”

 

I had hoped to have some more time to gather my thoughts, but when got back home in the afternoon I found that Itsuki was already there. I could feel something stirring in my stomach as soon as I saw him sitting at our rickety kitchen table, and I wondered immediately whether I could get away with going out again. It was still too early in the afternoon to go out and get dinner, though I suppose I could say that I have a lot of study to do and shut myself in my room to avoid having to look at him. But before I could get a word in, Itsuki said “Mikuru called me” and there didn’t seem much point in trying to escape.

I groaned and sat down opposite him. “Of course she did. What _exactly_ did she say?”

“She thought I should be aware that you were going through a difficult period of self-discovery.” He said it with some amusement. “She also said you must be taking it quite hard, and seemed to be deeply in denial about your homosexuality, as you were convinced that it was all Haruhi Suzumiya’s doing.”

“And that’s all?”

“What else would she say?”

That I’m primarily attracted to _you_ , in case you didn’t notice this morning. “I don’t know. Complaining about 21st century sexual repression, perhaps.”

“That does seem to find its way into most of her conversations nowadays, doesn’t it? She’s a bit preoccupied with it. One might even say it makes her rather biased.”

“You believe me and not her, then?”

“I find it easier to believe that Haruhi has done something to affect your sexual orientation than to believe that you suddenly became gay this morning despite your lack of any prior inclination towards men.” He tapped one finger lightly, absently, on the table. “The question is, why would Haruhi want that?”

“Because she wants to be friends again. Our friendship is more or less ruined because I was so in love with her. I mean…” I almost couldn’t finish the sentence. “I mean, because _I_ ruined it.”

It was impossible to ask myself that question without feeling some guilt. With a clearer perspective on my relationship with Haruhi, I couldn’t ignore the fact that since she started dating her tutor, I hadn’t treated her very well at all. I could barely stand being around her, and I was simply rude to her every time she mentioned her boyfriend. I might have been hurt by what happened, but that wasn’t her fault, and in the end I think I hurt her almost as much as she hurt me. If our friendship was destroyed beyond repair, then it was much more her fault than mine.

“Don’t you want to be friends with her again?”

“Of course I do! Don’t you know how much I miss her?” I hadn’t thought about it that way until right now, but it was true. Painfully true. “I mean, I don’t want to go out with her right now. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. She was my best friend. It’s just… hard. I’ve got a lot to apologise for. It’s not like with most of the problems Haruhi causes. I can’t fix this all at once.”

“So you’re concerned that there’s no quick solution, and you’re going to have to live in this altered state for a while.”

“That, and I’m dreading having to talk to her about it.” Even if I thought I could repair our friendship in one day, it would be a hellishly difficult day.

“I can understand that,” Itsuki’s expression was starting to resemble Mikuru’s sympathetic look. “There are other possible explanations, though. For example, it could be another part of her desire for us to have a ‘full university experience’.”

I found this explanation less than convincing, but as usual, Itsuki didn’t wait for me to respond before he continued making his case.

“Living up to her idea of a ‘typical’ university life has been the rationale behind a great number of Suzumiya’s activities this year, though. Her insistence that we all share apartments with one another, for example, or the way she expected us to have house parties and consume large quantities of alcohol at least once a week. As I recall, you even suggested that the reason she started dating her tutor was that she thought it was something she should do as a university student.”

“Well, yes, but I was probably drunk at the time.” I had several other reasons for suggesting that Haruhi’s new romance might not be entirely genuine, and they were all far more self-interested than Itsuki’s. At that point in time, I really didn’t care very much about what Haruhi wanted. “Although maybe it’s not completely stupid. Do you think there’s any truth in that? Is it just about her ‘uni student’ image, or does she really love him?”

Itsuki didn’t stop smiling, but he shifted in his chair and narrowed his eyes a little as he watched me.

“I’m just asking! It doesn’t make a difference to me.” It was still strange to say those words and realise they were true. “I’m sure it must be hard to believe that suddenly I don’t care about her at all, but when I think about her now, I don’t feel anything.”

Except that I miss my best friend.

Itsuki seemed satisfied at that. “It’s easier to believe than you suddenly becoming gay. It’s _possible_ , I think, that she believes a certain amount of sexual experimentation is an integral part of university life – and _she_ can’t attempt to date someone of her own sex now that she’s in a relationship with a man.”

“Perhaps. But if she really wants one of us to have a homosexual relationship before we all graduate, shouldn’t Mikuru and Tsuruya already fulfil that requirement?”

“You have a point,” he admitted. “It may not be the most likely explanation.”

“Which leaves us with the first idea.” I felt the guilt creeping back. “I treated her so badly when she wouldn’t go out with me that this was the only way she could think of to make me stop. To make us friends again.”

“It might not be as bad as that,” said Itsuki, gently. “Yes, she wants you to be friends again. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be because you’ve done anything wrong. Haruhi may feel guilty, too, for being the source of your unhappiness. Maybe she did this because she wants you to be happy.”

“What?” It was the first time in the whole conversation that something hadn’t made sense. Then again, this was the first conversation I’d had today that hadn’t been completely absurd. “How does she think being a homosexual will make me happier?”

“She might not have thought about it exactly that way.” He chucked to himself. “Or maybe she did – it certainly wouldn’t be out of character for Haruhi to have some rather misguided ideas. But it’s possible that in her mind, being in love with her is making you sad, and she wants you to be happy – so this was the easiest solution.” He cocked his head to the side slightly. “We all want you to be happy again, Kyon.”

“Well… maybe.” I stared down at my plate. “Do you think Haruhi knew what would make me happier, or is she just guessing?”

“Why don’t you tell me what you think would make you happier?”

“I just want… I want to feel normal again. I want to be able to talk to Haruhi without feeling angry about her boyfriend.” Maybe I could do that, now, but wasn’t sure. “I want to fix things. I want Haruhi to be my best friend again. I mean, I’m not in love with her any more. But I can’t talk to her any more. I still _miss_ her.”

“Hmm. Probably a bit too sophisticated a problem for Haruhi’s level of maturity,” he said, dryly. “But we can work on that.”

“There’s something else that would make me happy.”

“Yes?”

And before I could scare myself out of it, I leaned over to kiss him. He went still for a moment, and I started to panic. Maybe Itsuki had never had any interest in me, and all that teasing had always just been teasing. Maybe there was no way this could work. Had I just ruined another friendship? Had I gotten over one unrequited love just to fall right into another? I started to pull away, muttering an apology already, but he finally snapped out of his shock to place a firm hand on the back of my neck. My skin was already tingling where it touched his. Damn it! Maybe I was wrong, maybe this was Haruhi’s revenge and she was trying to ruin my friendship with Itsuki as well.

“Sorry.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I thought… never mind. Maybe I should…”

“Wait,” he said, as he pulled me back to kiss him again. “I think I can help with that.”

 

A week later, I was still gay, but feeling a bit better about it. It was ridiculous how much I was looking forward to meeting Itsuki on campus for lunch. As confusing and frustrating as the entire week had been, it was undeniably nice to wake up feeling not just okay, but _excited_. Overjoyed, even. I couldn’t remember ever feeling this good about my life before.

I was less overjoyed, however, when I arrived at the café where we’d agreed to meet to see Itsuki sitting at a table with Haruhi.

“Kyon!” He stood up and hugged me, smiling apologetically. “I’m very sorry, but a job has just come up and I won’t be able to stay for lunch today. But luckily enough, I ran into Haruhi here, so you won’t have to spend your meal alone.”

“How considerate of you.”

He waved at Haruhi and then patted me on the shoulder with a perfectly innocent smile. “See you tonight, Kyon.”

The warmth I felt at the reminder that I would be spending the night with Itsuki again was nowhere near enough to make up for the irritation that he’d set me up on a lunch date. As I took my seat, I could tell from Haruhi’s frown that she was just as frustrated as I was.

“He set us up, didn’t he?”

“Obviously,” she scowled. “Bastard.”

“Yes.” I stared at the café menu without really seeing anything, thinking over my options instead. I could try to avoid talking to her. I could even leave. But even though sitting across from her just confirmed that I was well and truly over my crush on Haruhi Suzumiya, it also made me feel more deeply than ever that more than anything else, I wanted my best friend back. I may as well just try to make up with her.

She always did like it when people got straight to the point.

“So, how’s your boyfriend?”

She crossed her arms and glared at me. “If you’re just going to sit there and insult him…”

“No!” I don’t want to think about what Haruhi will do if she thinks making me gay didn’t work. “No, I really…”

“Because I’ve had enough of it Kyon!”

“I don’t want to…”

“I’m flattered that you like me that much and I never wanted to hurt you, but at some point you have to grow up and stop…”

“ _Haruhi!_ ” I hissed, shutting her up. “I’m not here to fight. I’m completely over you. In fact, I’m so over you that I’m dating Itsuki.”

I’d expected Haruhi to be surprised when I told her. What I hadn’t anticipated was the swooping sense of vertigo and nausea I felt when I said the words out loud. It hadn’t felt like this when I told any of the others. With Mikuru, Nagato and Itsuki, it was just telling them about another strange thing that Haruhi had done with her powers. I couldn’t tell Haruhi that. To her, it just meant that I was gay.

“Really?” she said, quietly, as though she couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah. I didn’t… it’s weird. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Damn it, why can’t I stop smiling like an idiot even when he’s not here? “It seemed like a stupid mistake at first. I mean, he’s always been so _annoying_. But one day I looked at him and even though he was still the same guy, I just wanted to be around him all the time. When I’m with him I feel… he feels like home.”

I finally looked up to see Haruhi watching me with a tiny little smile. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Haruhi look shy. “I’m glad, Kyon. It sounds like you must really love each other, cause that’s… that’s how Saito makes me feel.”

And there it was, proof at last. That was when I knew that with a bit of work, we could fix things between us. I had to be completely cured of my infatuation if I could listen to her say something like that and feel nothing.

Except I didn’t quite feel _nothing_. It was better than that.

“Thanks, Haruhi.”

“What for?”

She was just frowning at me with that look that meant she thought I was being an idiot. I reached across the table to touch her hand. “I’m happy for you.”


End file.
